Celeriac Pomme Puree (& server loathes)

Can I just take a minute here please? Completely unrelated to the following (and pretty flavorful) recipe (hint: it's made from the vegetable featured below)....

...I need to get a little somethin' somethin' off my chest. And you know what? Because it's my fucking blog I'm gonna do it! Grrrrr!!!! Anger!!!  

As most of you know - I'm a server. In a pretty fantastic restaurant and I would not give that up for anything. I love it! Never before have I worked in a place where I felt so confident and excited (along with the rest of the staff) about the food and wine and everything else on offer. It is amazing. And most of the time, I love serving itself. I get paid to socialize and taste incredible food and beverage. Of course, it isn't always easy. Serving is a constant juggling act of prioritizing, multi-tasking, and honing my P.R. skills to interact with guests and make them feel welcome and pampered - which I'm pretty damn good at if I do say so myself. And the customers at the restaurant I work at now are 99% fantastic. But sometimes...

...sometimes I want to wring necks. Hard. Let me (if you don't mind) give you a quick short list of the things NOT to do in a restaurant...

P.S. I realize that as my fabulous followers you probably abide by my restaurant rules of etiquette - so none of this anger is directed at you...

• Upon entering a restaurant, if it's seat yourself, don't sit at the only dirty table when there are multiple clean tables available. There's a reason I haven't gotten to cleaning that yet - I'm too busy helping present (and new) customers. Take a clean one. Please.
• If you come in with children, please keep them under control. Kids are pretty cute and a bit of a pleasure to have as long as they're well behaved. But if they're yelling or running around the tables (or in one case, blowing out the candles on the tables), reign those bitches in! I'm sure they're lovely small people but right now I'm trying to work. And I'm not a babysitter. I'm a server. How would you feel if I let my cousins come into your work place and tear shit up while you were trying to do your job?
• Don't ever store your belongings on a neighboring table. This isn't your living room. It may seem to you that it's not a big deal but if we need to use that table it not only inconveniences you and I, but it also makes the new guests feel awkward. If you want to sprawl out, go home.
• Chances are, I've seen you come in. I'll come over. A good server, if busy, will alert you to the fact that they've seen you sit down and will be with you as soon as possible. I do that. There's no need to wave. Waving is rude. Also: Never EVER whistle, snap, or grab me as I walk by - unless you want to wear the pitcher of water I'm holding. I'm somebody's sister, lover, friend - in essence a human being, just like the other people who provide you services. Would you grab or snap at your dentist? I don't think so.
• Two words: Please. Thank-you.
• If you aren't sure what you want to order, tell me you need a few minutes. Don't ask me to wait at your table while you take 10 minutes deciding what to get or meet me with blank stares (or worse yet - completely ignore me as you stare at your menu). Just say we need a few minutes. Use your words. And it's not a big deal - I have other stuff to do and then I'll come back. I promise.
• If someone at your table orders a drink, or asks for a glass of water, try to anticipate your own needs (I can't do it all) and ask for what you need at the same time. If I'm busy, and 5 different people say they're fine but as soon as I return with one person's request the next one in line asks for something, chances are you'll either be waiting a long time, or fishing a bug out of your coke.
• If you have a food allergy or a time restraint please for the love of god, tell me ahead of time!
• Don't ask me how much you should tip me. Awkward much? Google that shit before you leave the house! While I recognize tipping isn't mandatory and if I give you crappy service I understand you'll be less inclined to tip well. But before you jump to the "she was never around" bullshit, take a look around the restaurant. Am I the only server? Am I running around like a chicken with my head cut off? Or am I leaning against the bar for 10 minutes chatting with the bartender? Deduce! And for the record - 15% of the total bill (TAXES INCLUDED) is the minimum. 20% will get you my love and affection (and really great service next time you're in). Anything in between is appreciated. Anything above 20% is obviously appreciated and not necessary (though that doesn't stop John from tipping around 35% when we go out - who knows whose bills he's paying? It's very good of him). It's not 1952 - 10% doesn't cut it anymore. 
• FYI: You may not be aware of this, but in a restaurant/bar we don't keep all the tips we get. A particular percentage of the sales we make (regardless if someone tips on their meal or not or by how much) goes to the bartender, the kitchen, food runners, expediters, hosts, bussers, etc... and sometimes even management. Thus, you may leave a 10% tip but I'll only see 5% (or depending on the establishment, less) of it.
• And while we're on the subject of money - don't leave nickles, dimes, and pennies as tips. They're hardly money to begin with - that's why you've left them in the first place, right?
• Lastly, a good restaurant experience requires two people. You and me. Interaction. If you walk into a place and expect an amazing experience with an engaging funny server who really does care about the goods about to be placed in front of you, you need to engage as well. The quality of an experience is only as good as those participating. I'm gonna do my very best to bring my shit to the table (metaphorically speaking), maybe you should too.

Okay, rant over. Sorry about that. Wait, no I'm not! Those things needed to be said and since I can't say 'em to the customers directly, I'm hoping someone out there will take heed and next time they're out at a restaurant and behave appropriately.

See? I told you I'm changing the world with this blog! ....okay, maybe not. But if you can't rant on your own personal blog, where else can you rant? Thanks for listening sugars - I needed to say that. Stay tuned on Friday for my list of server loves (gotta balance the hostility out, ya know?)...

Now, speaking of changing the world - how about some celeriac pomme puree?? This dish is flavorful, juicy, elegant, and generally kind of great. Eat on it's own or use it as a base for something else - I used it as garnish for the rack of lamb comin' at ya next week.

Celeriac Pomme Puree

(printable recipe)

Ingredients:

2 Medium Sized Celery Roots, ends cut off and skin cut away to white insides, & chopped into 1" dice.

3 to 4 Small Semi-Sweet Apples, peeled & cored, & chopped into 1" dice.

5 Slices Stage Bacon (or good quality thick cut), chopped into 1/2" pieces & fried till crispy.

3 Tbsp Butter, unsalted.

2 Garlic Cloves, peeled.

1/3 to 1/2 C Heavy Cream (depending on the consistency you want).

Kosher Salt & Fresh Cracked Pepper.

Extra Virgin Olive Oil for drizzling (or if you're feeling fancy, truffle oil!).

What to Do:

In a saucepan, melt 2 Tbsp of the butter over medium heat. As it starts to sizzle, throw in the celery root, apple, and garlic. Stir well and cover. Give it a couple minutes. Check the moisture level. If necessary, add a little splash or two of water into the pot - it'll cook away but keep things from burning. Recover and allow to soften for about 7 to 8 minutes.

Once it's getting quite mushy pull from the heat, toss in the food processor, season with salt and pepper, and puree until smooth.

Return to the pot and add the other Tbsp of butter and 1/3 a cup of cream. Stir well. If you want it softer and more "liquidy", add more cream. Taste. Bring the heat back up over a medium temperature and then reduce the heat to low to keep warm until ready to serve. 

At the last minute, add the bacon and drizzle with a little oil. 

Eat.

What do you think about my restaurant rant? Have you been caught doing any of the above? Are you currently or have you ever worked in a restaurant? 
What do you do for work? Do you have particular work pet peeves?